Friday, October 9, 2015

Getting Smarter or Crazier?

So today is Friday and I am 18 hours into my fast today. As I've mentioned before, on the fast days I feel great! The same is true for today. Its my 6th period and I feel calm and focused. Similar to if I had taken a Ritalin. On normal days, I am usually feeling groggy and tired and unmotivated. Today I am feeling productive.

I am feeling a little hungry from time to time, but the feeling passes very quickly. There was birthday cake at work today and that was a little bit difficult to not just be like, "Fast over, will start over tomorrow!" But I powered through and stayed strong. Other than that I haven't really been bothered. Although thinking about the cake right now is making my hunger pangs strike up again. But as I am learning, they will pass. I think that has been the most influential part of this experience is taking the control back from food. I am so tormented by food cravings and the need to binge that it sabotages any calorie reduction strategies Ive tried. Even on my non-fast days I am not getting my calories down very low like I would like to, but I am learning and each day I feel gifted with a higher level of understanding of hunger and control and what I'm capable of.

One of the advantages I have discovered with fasting that I may have over other people is that I have the option of sleeping in till 10 m-Th and till 10:30 on Fridays as I don't go to work till 11:30 each day and leave at 6:45. Ergo, if i am fasting on a Friday, I eat dinner Thursday night at like 8, then just go to bed and sleep till 10:30, wake up - go directly to work, get home from work and eat. Its perfect. I have so many distractions at work and I never have food directly in front of me, so food is never really on my mind. There are some small exceptions of course. For example, today during lunch, someone was microwaving something that smelled absolutely Divine. I was very jealous and very much craved food. Soon after, there was birthday cake! I will admit, the birthday cake nearly took me over the edge. I am staying strong though, and don't anticipate having any more severe cravings before 8pm. Only four short hours left! Seems easy enough.

At this point, the 24 hours is seeming too easy. I am very curious to see if could extend it to 36 hours and trying to get through one more sleep and not eating till Saturday at 8am. I think I outta refill my xanax before taking something like that on... Having Ritalin helps a bit too. I try and take it around 6 so that it helps prevent any fast finishing binges. I also need to get out of the habit of justifying a "night before the fast" binge. I think I'm still full of that fear that its going to be too  much and I'm not going to make it and I had better "stock up" so its not so horrible. Its strange to have such competing feelings about the fasts. Part of me craves them - craves the control - the freedom - the feeling of accomplishment. I have such good endorphins, mental clarity, and happiness coursing through me on fast days so I am unsure as to where this fear is coming from. I know its going to be good, so why is there still this piece of me that dreads a day without food and ancticpates it to be a dreadful experience? It seems so counter intuitive. I guess its that same piece that can easily convince me not to exercise... I always feel wonderful when I exercise and have such amazing feelings, but I still have this internal THING that's like, what - why would you want to exercise - its going to hurt - you will feel uncomfortable - you should hang out with pirate - people will look at you funny - you aren't in shape enough to exercise. Its so irrational and i know that - my rational self KNOWS that better than anymore so how does this thing convince me otherwise day after day. Its the same thing that tells me to binge. I have never binge ate and felt good after it. NEVER. Yet this thing can convince me every time that it will be the solution - the cure - the bliss I am longing for. How do i get it out? I picture as like a little green alien living inside of Jeannette. Its not Jeannette - its not me, its an invader. how do i get rid of it? I want it gone. If its not even  me, then how does it have so much control over me? why would i listen to it. Can I talk to it? It always talks to me - its very charismatic and persuasive. I don't know that I ever try and talk back to it and tell it to eff off. I never really thought to talk to it before this.... wow - -either fasting is making me smarter or crazier.... To Be Continued....

No comments:

Post a Comment