Friday, November 20, 2015

Im failing - Miserably.

I hate to report - any attempt at getting my eating and nutrition back on track have completely failed. Emotionally speaking, I am in survivor mode and have been for about 3 weeks. No fasting, no coutning calories - I havent even been sticking to my vegetarian diet. Thats right - cheeseburgers, chicken nuggets - all of it! Ive eaten all of the animals in the past 3 weeks. My body hates me. Its totally rebelling.

Functioning in suvivor mode is an immediate diet destroyer. Its like reverting back to cave-people days when nobody knew what the following day would bring, if there is a pack of lions coming, the dry season, a missed shot with the arrowhead. Panic - fat storage and unfathomable food cravings are the direct result. Its happening.

Fortunetely for me, my problems arent that serious - its more middle class white people problems. But for me, they are real. It all comes down to me feeling trapped in my job as a teacher. The life is literally being sucked out of me day after day. After day. Emotionally, I am at the physical equivilant of the final stages of AIDS. All of my defense systems that keep me healthy and stable are depleted - I have no more emotional T cells fighting the everyday woes. When one enters into survival mode - the tiniest diversion or infraction is enough to lead to emotional pneumonia and subsequent death.

I havent completed gotten to the stage of emotional Pneumonia, but I definitely have a nasty cold that is lingering. Ive been able to keep some emtional meds in my cabinet to deal with some of the symptoms - meaning ive still been exercising. This has probably saved me from emotional pneumonia, however is not enough to keep the excess emotional pounds off.

Im so unhealthy emotionally right now that my body is physically suffereing. I make affirrmations that Im going to pass on the cheeseburgers or chips and get greens, but when under such extreme termoil, the frontal lobe does not do its job with decision making ergo the rational portion of my brain cannot have enough influience over the decision making part of my brain to make the better choice. Its like how organs start shutting down when one is approaching physical death. Parts of the brain shut down during emotoinal survival mode.  "The prefrontal cortex (PFC)—the most evolved brain region—subserves our highest-order cognitive abilities. However, it is also the brain region that is most sensitive to the detrimental effects of stress exposure. Even quite mild acute uncontrollable stress can cause a rapid and dramatic loss of prefrontal cognitive abilities, and more prolonged stress exposure causes architectural changes in prefrontal dendrites." Mine is probably permanant by this point...

I dont know how long this episode is going to last or what to do about it. This job is literally killing me - my eyelid is in a constant state of twitch and all my body wants to do is sleep.

"Why Does My Eye Twitch?

Stress: While we're all under stress at times, our bodies react in different ways. A twitching eye can be one sign of stress, especially when it is related to vision problems such as eye strain (see below). Reducing the cause of the stress can help make the twitching stop.
Tiredness: A lack of sleep, whether because of stress or some other reason, can trigger a twitching eyelid. Catching up on your sleep can help."

Im miserable when im here and miserable when im not because im thinking about being here. I am working on my mindfulness strategies to be able to utilize my time away from school, but its really really hard and im really really out of practice. This job has even invaded my dreams. Sleep is no longer an escape. Nightmares and night sweats plaque what should be a peaceful recovery time for my brain and body. Its as if I cant escape the tourment. To top it all off - my beloved friend, Xanax isnt even able to conquer this sleep demon... If xanax cant fix it then i dont know what can... Xanax has ALWAYS been my go to sleep companion. Now what?

Whats keeping me here: paycheck: health insurance: reasonable hours. I almost added working conditions but thats not the case.

I was trying to explain to my friend amanda what its like while she was doing my hair last night and I could only come up with one analogy: If someone with destroyed damaged hair came into the salon and said, "I know this is quite hopeless, but do what you can - I trust  your skill and previous work to know you will do a good job." So the hair stylest assess the hair and comes up with what she feels will be suited for the mess she has been given. Do a keratin treatment and throw a gentle glaze over the damage to bring back some of its vibrancy and a good cut to get rid of the worst damage. SUCCESS! The color and cut look amazing - the hair has regained life and the client should be thrilled. The client is not thrilled. The client would rather she have done sassy highlights with a BOB and is devastated and in turn does not tip or even pay the hair stylest and leaves her feeling worthless about her craft. If the stylist had done a BOB and highlights, the client would be bald by now, but the client listened to Marzano and didnt see it through the eyes of the experienced professional. Its like that everyday.

I dont mind professional challenges. I welcome them. Boredom is just as much a stressor as anything. But when you are asked to do the impossible - and then actually do the impossible - but are told it just wasnt the right impossible - on almost a daily basis - you kinda start to wish for car crashes on the way to work. Or look at Burger King as your next employer. What could go wrong with pickles and ketchup? Or do they have a Marzano scale?

Dont get me wrong, this is not a marzano hating session - its not marzanos fault this is occuring. Its like the saying guns dont kill people, people kill people. Well marzano doesnt ruin education, decision makers who have never been in the classroom making policy ruin education. Put me up at the top - ill tell you how to deal with bad hair care...

My once intended positive  - rejourney to weight loss has morfed into a "my job is ruining my life" bitch fest. I hate being such a complainer and im getting lots of advice from lots of caring people, but the fact that my frontal lobe is not in tact at the moment makes it very difficult to be able to make decisions moving forward. The only way I can describe it: the breakdown of the frontal lobe: is like trying to see under water. Its hard! without goggles! Everything is blurry - you cant breathe - the water is probably burning your eyes - its really hard.

If it werent thanksgiving break for the next week - i sincerely think the pneumonia would be kicking in and i would end up in the loony bin.

I have a plan for the break - lots of exercise - lots of time with loved ones - and lots of fresh food. Hopefully with good meds like that - this emotional underwater bad haircut pneumonia will be on the mend.

Thhanks for all the support!